What did he say?

Eric Burden – Oh Lord please don’t let me be misunderstood

Jim Croce - The words just came out wrong

Homer Simpson – Doh!

We tend to hold people’s feet to the fire when they speak, especially if we don’t agree with them.  The message becomes unimportant and the focus goes on the perceived blunder.  Another way of putting it,

I’m not sure why we nitpick, especially since we really hate it being done to us. We hold everyone to a higher standard and yet we hate Alex Trebek for being such a pompous ass.  Really Alex, really?  Put screw yourself in the form of a question.  What is, What should the host of this game show do to himself?  But I digress. 

Sometimes we misspeak, other times we use examples that sort of illustrate the point but are not perfect fits, and then there are times it’s complete verbal carnage.  God help us then.

The verbal land mine, you might as well just set fire to puppies and barbeque up a few lost children on the way to Sunday school, Hebrew school . . . Mosque?   So hard to be politically correct these days, when being very un-politically correct. But if you are going to BBQ up children you don’t want to leave anyone out; that would be playing favorites.  I started with just Sunday school, but then I realized maybe I would offend others.  Think about it, I was trying to come up with something horrible and I used Sunday school; but wouldn’t it also be horrible to do the same thing to children of other faiths?  Of course it would be, so I cooked up others as well.  Now I know you cat lovers out there are going to take offense that I didn’t say setting cats ablaze was horrible, well to you I say, take a hint!  LOL

Kidding, I Kid. Ha Ha.

But then this happens….

What did you just say?

You know what I mean

Umm, no you said, You want to barbeque children, you sick bastard.

That’s not what I said, I sai…   

I know what you said, how could you even think that, let alone say that?  You are one demented, bla bla bla, so and so, curse, curse , curse , bla bla bla, unholy son of a bitch. And further more …..

This is when you smack yourself in the head and realize that not only has society and the education system failed, but (un)common sense is not only dead, but long forgotten.  Rest in Peace common sense, you will be missed.

And yet, we continue on.

It’s election time. Hey look at me, bringing politics to the table after using household pets, religion and children to demonstrate how things can get misinterpreted.  This could get fun. What am I missing? Hmmm, sport’s teams, abortion and the existence of ghosts.  That should do it.

WHAT?????

Did you just put the existence of ghosts in the same category as abortion?

You know what I mean ….

How on Earth could you even …. Bla bla bla, curse curse curse, you miserable son of a bitch.  And Further more . . . .

You get the point.

I’m just listing Hot Topics that get people all riled up, there’s more, the list goes on, but I think I got the point across, maybe. Where was I?

Oh right politics.  Tiss the season and as any good diplomat will say, never talk politics and religion and yet, and yet …

Look around, everyone is talking politics. Who knew Facebook would be ground zero for political flag waving and more apparently mudslinging.  Good stuff!  A virtual place where people can catch up after 20 something years and then piss each other off. Outstanding! Why do people get so impassioned, it’s ok to have a different opinion, really it is, you can still be friends, viva la difference’.   That’s what makes life so interesting on this big wet planet we call home.  I really don’t care much for politics, they all piss me off, but I don’t want to get off topic.  Remember the topic? To be honest I’m having a hard time remembering the topic, what was it?

I’m pretty sure when you start talking about a topic that someone already has a very strong opinion about that,  the listener stops really listening and waits for the first moment to call bullshit on you.  But in tuning out they hear only a few major things you say and miss the point.  Something like bla bla bla, bla bla, bla, bla  Trebek  bla bla  puppies bla  barbeque children bla bla  ghosts bla bla bla. 

WHAT!!!! WHAT THE FUDGE!!!!!

But they’re not thinking,’ What the Fudge’, what they are thinking is, ‘What the Fuck!’

No one thinks Fudge, they may say Fudge, but they are thinking Fuck.  No misunderstanding there, is there?

No feet to the fire on that one, no Alex Trebek, no YouTube clip, not even a blurb on Twitter.  People know a fuck when they see one.

So again I’m not sure if I really have a point here to make today, because if I try to sum it up in a sound bite, it might be misunderstood or just come out like this:

Try not to be a hypocritical game show ghost while barbequing dogs at a Giants game, because although people may not always say the right thing, they may have a message worth hearing.

11 things about driving that should piss everyone off from a guy who can't count to 10

1. Left lane is for PASSING. It’s actually called a passing lane.
In case there is any question on what this means; if you are NOT PASSING get the fuck out of that lane. Oh and don’t get pissed off at me when I want to get by, I’m actually the one using the lane for it’s intended purpose. Thank you.

2. For those who think you only have 2 options, breaking and accelerating.
There is a THIRD option, it’s called coasting, which means keep your foot off both pedals. It saves on gas, it saves on breaks, and it keeps the flow of traffic moving at a more natural pace. Oh, and in case you haven’t figured it out it's SAFER for everyone on the road. So learn to coast. Thank you.

3. We all know what a broken car looks like, really we do.
Why on God’s green Earth would you slam on your break, almost cause an accident , definitely cause traffic and give people behind you a heart attack just to see something you have seen hundreds of times before. If you really want to see an accident go watch old episodes of CHiPs, great pile ups. You can even rewind and watch them again. Oh and as a side note, texting someone or taking a picture of the accident while driving by the accident is a great way to cause another fucking accident. Stop being a nozzle! No one wants to be sitting in traffic for hours because you are an idiot. Stop being one. Thank you.

4. Driving 20 miles under the speed limit because you are texting and thinking that’s the safe way to do it.
I don’t know why I’m even pointing this one out. If you are guilty of this, you certainly aren’t going to heed this warning. You think you know everything, you’re stubborn, you should be smacked in the back of the head. It's NOT SAFER! The safer thing to do is wait till you are not driving. People driving 70 mph down the highway aren’t expecting to come up on someone doing 40 drifting into the other lane. This is how you end up pissing into a plastic bag for the rest of your life. Stop it! Thank you.

5. Turning off your blinkers.
This kind of seems obvious. If you’re not turning or switching lanes, might be a good idea to turn off your blinkers. I realize we live in a highly automated world and that the blinkers usually turn themselves off. However paying attention isn’t a bad thing either. You never know paying attention might actually make your life better. But mostly it makes living in society better for everyone involved, so pay attention. Thank you.

6. Snow removal.
Here’s another LAW that most of you break. When it snows, remove the snow from your roof, period. No exceptions. If you are 5 feet tall and you drive an SUV, buy yourself a fricking ladder or tell your lazy ass husband to do it for you, unless you are a 5 foot tall man, in which case buy a fricking ladder you cheap lazy son of a bitch! And if that still doesn’t work, buy a car you can actually maintain. With ownership comes responsibility. If the snow comes off the back, the person behind you could get into an accident because you are a lazy self absorbed asshat with no concern for your fellow man. If you slam on your breaks because some wacker in front of you hits their break because they got scared of a little ice, the snow on your roof will come down and cover your windshield. You won’t be able to see . . .  you can see where this is going, oh no wait you can't  because you can’t see where you are going. It’s all bad.  All you have accomplished is putting a bunch of drivers in real danger all because it’s cold outside and you didn’t want to take the extra 5 minutes to remove snow that wind or inertia will do for you. For the love of Pete (whoever the hell Pete is) remove the snow or stay at home till the thaw. Thank you.

6b. Rain drops keep falling on my head, but that doesn’t mean I want to end up fucking dead.
Kind of lyrical, no? If it starts raining while you drive, slamming on your breaks isn’t going to help your cause. It’s just rain, I assure you your car is equipped with the necessary features to get you through. Cars come with all weather tires, rain is weather, they’ll do just fine. Your car also comes with these great thin little rubbery things, they are called windshield wipers, they remove rain from your windshield so you can see.These ground breaking devices also come with multiple speed options in case the rain comes down really fast. Hint, the faster the rain, the faster you set the windshield wiper speed. Jumping on your breaks for no reason will result in the very thing you are trying to avoid, walking with a limp. Best way to cause an accident, do something sudden and for no apparent reason. Don’t be a buttwipe. Don’t panic just drive normally, and if you must slow down do it gradually. Thank you.

7. People passing you on the road has absolutely NOTHING to do with you.
News flash it’s not all about you. If someone wants to pass you, let them go, they have a reason and it’s none of your fucking business. It’s not a personal assault against you. Maybe just maybe, it’s a really valid reason. But no, YOU DO NOT GET TO DECIDE if you deem it valid. Just imagine it’s you driving your loved one to the hospital and they are dying, would you want some self righteous son of a bitch blocking you because they don’t think you should be speeding? Just let them go. Oh and after they pass and disappear down the road, they are gone from your life FOREVER. You will never see them again, ever! Is this worth getting your panties in a twist over? If so, seek help, you need it. So Rule Number 7 which applies to many aspects of life; Let them go. Thank you.

8. Idiots with testicles hanging from their trucks.
Ummmmmm, this is just bizarre. Maybe I don’t get it, but I assume the morons who have them are the ones that don’t get it. If you are trying to tell the world that your truck has real balls, hanging prosthetic ones is kind of proving that it doesn’t, right?  Much like with everything else in the world, walk the walk, don’t talk the talk. Balls, nuts, sacks, bags, junk, package whatever you call it, doesn’t belong hanging from your truck, keep it in your pants. Thank you.

9. Right on Red.
Seems simple enough. The directions are built right into the name. I have no idea why some people don’t make this part of their driving repertoire. I chalk it up to either incompetence or being a self centered douche. I do however give a pass to the elderly on this one. But you’d better have gray hair and a bottle of Geritol in your cabinet or you get no pass. So please, pay attention, keep the flow of traffic moving, go right when the light is red (where legal). Thank you.

10. Work trucks with a payload that contains rocks, dirt or any lose debris and don’t secure their load.
There should be a corner in Hell for you guys, one where all you do all day is get hit in the face with pebbles at 52 miles per hour. Windshields are not cheap and no one likes replacing them, it’s a pain in the ass. I realize you don’t give a bucket of monkey puss what happens to your fellow man. I realize you are all also self centered dick rotting sons of bitches who think it’s not your problem. You suck. Really, you suck. I mean it. You Suck. I would ask kindly that you do your job but I have better odds hoping that dog shit is worth it’s weight in gold. So no thank you for you guys. You all just SUCK!