I haven’t been writing, and conversely I’m sure no one had been reading.
But I’m trying and I thought I should write today, tomorrow is a milestone, or so they say. No it’s not marking the day I got out of the loony bin, or swam/swum (I hate that) the English Channel it will be my birthday, the anniversary of the day I was born. I know… big deal, it’s not like we all don’t have them, we are all here so we all have birthdays, celebrated or not we have them.
But tomorrow it is my day, along with roughly 16,427104.72279 people [6 billion/365.25 (the .25 is accounting for those born on Feb 29th )]
This of course also assumes that the same amount of people are born on each day and why wouldn’t they be? And don’t bust my chops it’s a ballpark number, and the park seems to be very large, as is the number of candles on my cake. But as dad is always fond of saying, ”Beats the alternative”, and he’s right, it does.
I don’t have much to say about what I’ve accomplished with my time on the big blue marble, so I thought I’d tell the story of my arrival, which isn’t as normal as one would think.
As the story goes, or as told by my mom, it was sometime after 2:00 (I’d have to check the birth certificate to be exact), on a Sunday afternoon during a football game of which the doctor seemed to have an interest in. (Why can’t you end a sentence with a preposition?) My mom who had 2 kids previously both girls (yes I’m the youngest with two older sisters, and no they never dressed me up in dresses and put make up on me. I still have no idea why that is always the first question people ask when I tell them that, do other people really do this? I mean outside of Hollywood?). I mention my older sisters for one reason only, to show that mom had a bit of experience passing humans into this world, turns out this experience means nothing to a doctor; after all HE went to medical school, and what would my mom know of such things as birthing?
Turns out more then a doctor who likes his football games. (Are you picking up on something here?)
You see before they put moms on the table in which babies are passed, they used to keep the mom’s on a gurney. Now remember this was a few years back, long before the world went baby crazy. It was the late 60’s, the very late 60’s and no my mom wasn’t a hippy, I was not born at Woodstock. Remember I was the youngest of 3, not the oldest. My parents are not of that era, they were 30 by the time I came along, so basically they have no idea what ”Don’t eat the brown acid” even refers to. Instead I’ve seen pictures of my dad looking like a poor mans James Dean with his hair slicked back in some greasy nasty goop and my mom had poodle skirts, yup 50’s kids; but that’s another story.
Anyway, I was on a gurney inside my mom, and she was, as I have best interpreted this, Yelling.
She was explaining nicely to the nurses that I was coming, and the nurses, instructed by the doctor, assured my mom I wasn’t, and well if the doctor says I’m not coming he must be right; after all the game was on, did I mention the football game? As I understand it, it was a playoff game, and living in NJ which means everyone in the area follows NY teams and thanks to some information compiled by my R&D team it looks like it was the Jets, but who could know for sure. Whatever the situation, I’m thinking the doctor had a few bucks on the game, because that seemed to be more important then my arrival.
I know what you thinking, I thought it too, what could be more important?
I’d like to find the guy and ask him, maybe I should put my R&D team on that, okay it’s more of an R team then a D team, but there is comedy development going on.
Proof?
You want proof?
The newest product to come out of R&D was Munt. Yes Munt, neat word, rude word, but that word was created in a most elaborate team effort.
The conversation went something like this:
Me: “ He’s such a whiney bitch, you can’t trust him, he will stab anyone in the back to suit his needs, and acts like a little girl while doing it. He’s like a male C***!”
R&D Team: “He’s a Munt!”
Laughter ensues
Good resources are hard to find. You can’t easily replace comedy gold like this.
NOTE TO SELF: Give R&D Team a raise
So that’s my R&D team.
Back to my story.
We left off with mom on a gurney a pissy nurse, an absentee doctor (who may or may not have had a few bucks riding on a game he couldn’t seem to pull himself away from), and me who had just about had enough of being all pruned up inside my mom’s make shift Holiday Inn complete with room service.
Mom told the nurse I was coming out, the nurse chose not to believe her, then after what I can only assume was an exchange of pleasantries not fit for a truck driver, the nurse finally checked on the situation only to find out that my mom might have had some insight of which she spoke.
Yup I was coming through. (Now remember mom is still on the gurney and not in the catching bed)
And with all her wisdom and medical knowledge the nurse passed onto my mother this great bit of advice “Wait till the doctor gets here”
Now I can improvise a bit here and use some four-letter words that I know my mother has on occasion liked to utter, but I won’t. I’ll leave that up to you. What I will tell you is that I was born right there on that gurney without a doctor and by a mother who had not had any access to drugs. Remember this was 1968, I’m pretty sure no one ever heard the phrase Lamaze Class, so I’m (and again I’m filling in blanks here) thinking instead of Deep Breaths, Mom was cursing out the medical staff in several languages (some still not known today).
And so that was my entrance into this world.
And a wee bit of insight into me, if not at least the ages of my parents and I. Maybe next week I’ll tell you about my death, of which I narrowly escaped.
END
Thursday
Tired of the "Holidays", Merry Christmas
I’m tired.
Need sleep.
But there is no sleep for me today, I have to work and it’s 3 days before Christmas, for those of you who find it un-pc to refer to the date like that, it’s December 22
Yea I celebrate Christmas and I think Jesus was a groovy dude, not that I think anyone else should. I honestly don’t give a skunk’s pituitary gland what others chose to believe just so long as they don’t believe in killing, stealing, raping, pillaging, beating up iguanas or doing what is considered somewhat “negative acts” against others.
That’s what it is supposed to be about, acceptance. Not the removal of, but the acceptance.
I’m not big on the PC crusaders, never have been, in fact I believe they are ruining it for everyone, including themselves. The sterilization of cultures is not a good thing; too many amazing things are getting lost from all cultures. Don’t believe me? See how long it takes to find a descent bagel and not round bread being passed off as a bagel … Meatsticks!
I find it interesting that any specific group of people would have a problem with Merry Christmas, it’s not like it implies “and all of you who do not believe in Jesus can go stick your head in a bucket of monkey puss”.
I honestly don’t get it. Sure we can separate church and state, and take religion out of most things “common” but wishing someone a ‘Merry Christmas’ is not all that different then ‘Happy Birthday’, or ‘Happy New Year’ or ‘Happy Second Day After You Passed Your Kidney Stone Day’ for that matter. It’s just a well wishing for a day or time of year.
I understand wanting equal billing, that’s cool, I’m even a fan of making more holidays. Who doesn’t want more days off from work? Let’s celebrate more days of love and peace; I honestly think we (that is people everywhere; Meatsticks & Non-Meatsticks alike) need more of that. Honestly, society is sort of going to hell in a hand-basket (yea I have no idea what that means either but stick with me here). But why do away with things? Why not just add more to the mix? There is always something to be learned from cultures & religions not of our own.
Oh right, I forgot better to be closed-minded and be afraid to venture out beyond our comfort zone.
Would you like sugar with that sarcasm? (In case you missed it)
Where was I?
Oh yea, a few days left before Christmas and I still have lots to do and I’m tired.
Tired of shopping.
Tired of running around in the cold weather.
Tired of not knowing if someone is going to like the gift I bought.
Tired of dealing with people fighting over parking spaces and driving slow in the left hand lane.
Okay here is where you are expecting the speech about the true meaning of Christmas.
But I’m not going to do it.
Nope.
I won’t.
No rant about the birth of Christ and the celebration of a child who was to bring Peace on Earth & Goodwill towards men.
‘No’, you say?
‘Why not’, you say?
‘Isn’t that what comes after the bitching and moaning about Christmas Shopping?’, you say.
‘Well yes’, I say, ’normally, but not today’.
You all know that diatribe and you all know as well as I do that there isn’t any more peace, on the this rock we call Earth, then there was over 2000 years ago. But his words and lessons are good, unfortunately some Meatsticks got their mitts into the religion thing and bastardized what was supposed to be a groovy love fest for all men and women, and no not in the hippy Woodstock orgy way, you sick bastard!
I’m talking about doing onto others as you would have them do on to you … and eggnog of course.
I’m pretty sure Jesus would agree with the spiked eggnog. I mean come on, nothing wrong with a little holiday cheer. So we will do onto others and drink heavily spiked eggnog. Sounds like a plan.
That’s the spirit of Christmas, you need the spirit part.
No you don’t have to drink eggnog you can drink whatever you want, you don’t even have to drink, but with all this PC culture erasing (hmmm, wasn’t there a fellow who tried to do away with some cultures a few years back?) going on in the world, it doesn’t hurt to numb a bit of the ol’ Gray Matter.
This all sounds well and good but it doesn’t get the gifts bought and wrapped, and as much as I hate doing it, and I really hate doing it, I have to admit there is a really cool feeling that comes over me when I find a gift that has the extra bit of specialness about it. (Yes, I invented that word right now, deal with it) It doesn’t always happen, and sometimes it backfires, we’ve all given gifts that we thought the recipient would love only to see a look on their face that could best be summed up as “UGG”. But when the planets align and the gifts are perfect and you see a look of “WOW” on their face, it sort of al comes together.
You see, it’s not about the gift but the feeling that comes with the gift, and not the feeling of getting a really cool gift but knowing you put a big warm smile on someone you care about receiving the cool gift. Maybe it’s a greedy thing, sort of in reverse, but it feels good none the less. A warm feeling, much like the spiked eggnog, only with a hug.
Problem occurs when you can’t find that special gift for everyone on your list, then the pressure is on. I know I know, I mean how many shirts and socks can I get my dad? (note to self: he asked for black this year with some sort of blend)
Hmmmm….
Ummmm….
Oh yea.
I wondered where I was going with this very long look at my life in the next few days, Jesus, Christmas, eggnog, gift giving, PC people trying to wipe it out and skunk’s pituitary glands. I don’t know.
I’m too tired to tie it all together.
I really am.
I’m tired.
I need a nap, and when I wake up I’d like to see people coming together and actually practicing peace love and understanding (although they don’t actually have to listen to Elvis Costello) instead of the warped crazy ass shit they are doing now, where there is this idea of us and them and intolerance.
I know I’m dreaming big, but when I see Santa this year (and I will) I’m going to ask for a little piece and then a nap.
Need sleep.
But there is no sleep for me today, I have to work and it’s 3 days before Christmas, for those of you who find it un-pc to refer to the date like that, it’s December 22
Yea I celebrate Christmas and I think Jesus was a groovy dude, not that I think anyone else should. I honestly don’t give a skunk’s pituitary gland what others chose to believe just so long as they don’t believe in killing, stealing, raping, pillaging, beating up iguanas or doing what is considered somewhat “negative acts” against others.
That’s what it is supposed to be about, acceptance. Not the removal of, but the acceptance.
I’m not big on the PC crusaders, never have been, in fact I believe they are ruining it for everyone, including themselves. The sterilization of cultures is not a good thing; too many amazing things are getting lost from all cultures. Don’t believe me? See how long it takes to find a descent bagel and not round bread being passed off as a bagel … Meatsticks!
I find it interesting that any specific group of people would have a problem with Merry Christmas, it’s not like it implies “and all of you who do not believe in Jesus can go stick your head in a bucket of monkey puss”.
I honestly don’t get it. Sure we can separate church and state, and take religion out of most things “common” but wishing someone a ‘Merry Christmas’ is not all that different then ‘Happy Birthday’, or ‘Happy New Year’ or ‘Happy Second Day After You Passed Your Kidney Stone Day’ for that matter. It’s just a well wishing for a day or time of year.
I understand wanting equal billing, that’s cool, I’m even a fan of making more holidays. Who doesn’t want more days off from work? Let’s celebrate more days of love and peace; I honestly think we (that is people everywhere; Meatsticks & Non-Meatsticks alike) need more of that. Honestly, society is sort of going to hell in a hand-basket (yea I have no idea what that means either but stick with me here). But why do away with things? Why not just add more to the mix? There is always something to be learned from cultures & religions not of our own.
Oh right, I forgot better to be closed-minded and be afraid to venture out beyond our comfort zone.
Would you like sugar with that sarcasm? (In case you missed it)
Where was I?
Oh yea, a few days left before Christmas and I still have lots to do and I’m tired.
Tired of shopping.
Tired of running around in the cold weather.
Tired of not knowing if someone is going to like the gift I bought.
Tired of dealing with people fighting over parking spaces and driving slow in the left hand lane.
Okay here is where you are expecting the speech about the true meaning of Christmas.
But I’m not going to do it.
Nope.
I won’t.
No rant about the birth of Christ and the celebration of a child who was to bring Peace on Earth & Goodwill towards men.
‘No’, you say?
‘Why not’, you say?
‘Isn’t that what comes after the bitching and moaning about Christmas Shopping?’, you say.
‘Well yes’, I say, ’normally, but not today’.
You all know that diatribe and you all know as well as I do that there isn’t any more peace, on the this rock we call Earth, then there was over 2000 years ago. But his words and lessons are good, unfortunately some Meatsticks got their mitts into the religion thing and bastardized what was supposed to be a groovy love fest for all men and women, and no not in the hippy Woodstock orgy way, you sick bastard!
I’m talking about doing onto others as you would have them do on to you … and eggnog of course.
I’m pretty sure Jesus would agree with the spiked eggnog. I mean come on, nothing wrong with a little holiday cheer. So we will do onto others and drink heavily spiked eggnog. Sounds like a plan.
That’s the spirit of Christmas, you need the spirit part.
No you don’t have to drink eggnog you can drink whatever you want, you don’t even have to drink, but with all this PC culture erasing (hmmm, wasn’t there a fellow who tried to do away with some cultures a few years back?) going on in the world, it doesn’t hurt to numb a bit of the ol’ Gray Matter.
This all sounds well and good but it doesn’t get the gifts bought and wrapped, and as much as I hate doing it, and I really hate doing it, I have to admit there is a really cool feeling that comes over me when I find a gift that has the extra bit of specialness about it. (Yes, I invented that word right now, deal with it) It doesn’t always happen, and sometimes it backfires, we’ve all given gifts that we thought the recipient would love only to see a look on their face that could best be summed up as “UGG”. But when the planets align and the gifts are perfect and you see a look of “WOW” on their face, it sort of al comes together.
You see, it’s not about the gift but the feeling that comes with the gift, and not the feeling of getting a really cool gift but knowing you put a big warm smile on someone you care about receiving the cool gift. Maybe it’s a greedy thing, sort of in reverse, but it feels good none the less. A warm feeling, much like the spiked eggnog, only with a hug.
Problem occurs when you can’t find that special gift for everyone on your list, then the pressure is on. I know I know, I mean how many shirts and socks can I get my dad? (note to self: he asked for black this year with some sort of blend)
Hmmmm….
Ummmm….
Oh yea.
I wondered where I was going with this very long look at my life in the next few days, Jesus, Christmas, eggnog, gift giving, PC people trying to wipe it out and skunk’s pituitary glands. I don’t know.
I’m too tired to tie it all together.
I really am.
I’m tired.
I need a nap, and when I wake up I’d like to see people coming together and actually practicing peace love and understanding (although they don’t actually have to listen to Elvis Costello) instead of the warped crazy ass shit they are doing now, where there is this idea of us and them and intolerance.
I know I’m dreaming big, but when I see Santa this year (and I will) I’m going to ask for a little piece and then a nap.
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