What did he say?

Eric Burden – Oh Lord please don’t let me be misunderstood

Jim Croce - The words just came out wrong

Homer Simpson – Doh!

We tend to hold people’s feet to the fire when they speak, especially if we don’t agree with them.  The message becomes unimportant and the focus goes on the perceived blunder.  Another way of putting it,

I’m not sure why we nitpick, especially since we really hate it being done to us. We hold everyone to a higher standard and yet we hate Alex Trebek for being such a pompous ass.  Really Alex, really?  Put screw yourself in the form of a question.  What is, What should the host of this game show do to himself?  But I digress. 

Sometimes we misspeak, other times we use examples that sort of illustrate the point but are not perfect fits, and then there are times it’s complete verbal carnage.  God help us then.

The verbal land mine, you might as well just set fire to puppies and barbeque up a few lost children on the way to Sunday school, Hebrew school . . . Mosque?   So hard to be politically correct these days, when being very un-politically correct. But if you are going to BBQ up children you don’t want to leave anyone out; that would be playing favorites.  I started with just Sunday school, but then I realized maybe I would offend others.  Think about it, I was trying to come up with something horrible and I used Sunday school; but wouldn’t it also be horrible to do the same thing to children of other faiths?  Of course it would be, so I cooked up others as well.  Now I know you cat lovers out there are going to take offense that I didn’t say setting cats ablaze was horrible, well to you I say, take a hint!  LOL

Kidding, I Kid. Ha Ha.

But then this happens….

What did you just say?

You know what I mean

Umm, no you said, You want to barbeque children, you sick bastard.

That’s not what I said, I sai…   

I know what you said, how could you even think that, let alone say that?  You are one demented, bla bla bla, so and so, curse, curse , curse , bla bla bla, unholy son of a bitch. And further more …..

This is when you smack yourself in the head and realize that not only has society and the education system failed, but (un)common sense is not only dead, but long forgotten.  Rest in Peace common sense, you will be missed.

And yet, we continue on.

It’s election time. Hey look at me, bringing politics to the table after using household pets, religion and children to demonstrate how things can get misinterpreted.  This could get fun. What am I missing? Hmmm, sport’s teams, abortion and the existence of ghosts.  That should do it.

WHAT?????

Did you just put the existence of ghosts in the same category as abortion?

You know what I mean ….

How on Earth could you even …. Bla bla bla, curse curse curse, you miserable son of a bitch.  And Further more . . . .

You get the point.

I’m just listing Hot Topics that get people all riled up, there’s more, the list goes on, but I think I got the point across, maybe. Where was I?

Oh right politics.  Tiss the season and as any good diplomat will say, never talk politics and religion and yet, and yet …

Look around, everyone is talking politics. Who knew Facebook would be ground zero for political flag waving and more apparently mudslinging.  Good stuff!  A virtual place where people can catch up after 20 something years and then piss each other off. Outstanding! Why do people get so impassioned, it’s ok to have a different opinion, really it is, you can still be friends, viva la difference’.   That’s what makes life so interesting on this big wet planet we call home.  I really don’t care much for politics, they all piss me off, but I don’t want to get off topic.  Remember the topic? To be honest I’m having a hard time remembering the topic, what was it?

I’m pretty sure when you start talking about a topic that someone already has a very strong opinion about that,  the listener stops really listening and waits for the first moment to call bullshit on you.  But in tuning out they hear only a few major things you say and miss the point.  Something like bla bla bla, bla bla, bla, bla  Trebek  bla bla  puppies bla  barbeque children bla bla  ghosts bla bla bla. 

WHAT!!!! WHAT THE FUDGE!!!!!

But they’re not thinking,’ What the Fudge’, what they are thinking is, ‘What the Fuck!’

No one thinks Fudge, they may say Fudge, but they are thinking Fuck.  No misunderstanding there, is there?

No feet to the fire on that one, no Alex Trebek, no YouTube clip, not even a blurb on Twitter.  People know a fuck when they see one.

So again I’m not sure if I really have a point here to make today, because if I try to sum it up in a sound bite, it might be misunderstood or just come out like this:

Try not to be a hypocritical game show ghost while barbequing dogs at a Giants game, because although people may not always say the right thing, they may have a message worth hearing.

11 things about driving that should piss everyone off from a guy who can't count to 10

1. Left lane is for PASSING. It’s actually called a passing lane.
In case there is any question on what this means; if you are NOT PASSING get the fuck out of that lane. Oh and don’t get pissed off at me when I want to get by, I’m actually the one using the lane for it’s intended purpose. Thank you.

2. For those who think you only have 2 options, breaking and accelerating.
There is a THIRD option, it’s called coasting, which means keep your foot off both pedals. It saves on gas, it saves on breaks, and it keeps the flow of traffic moving at a more natural pace. Oh, and in case you haven’t figured it out it's SAFER for everyone on the road. So learn to coast. Thank you.

3. We all know what a broken car looks like, really we do.
Why on God’s green Earth would you slam on your break, almost cause an accident , definitely cause traffic and give people behind you a heart attack just to see something you have seen hundreds of times before. If you really want to see an accident go watch old episodes of CHiPs, great pile ups. You can even rewind and watch them again. Oh and as a side note, texting someone or taking a picture of the accident while driving by the accident is a great way to cause another fucking accident. Stop being a nozzle! No one wants to be sitting in traffic for hours because you are an idiot. Stop being one. Thank you.

4. Driving 20 miles under the speed limit because you are texting and thinking that’s the safe way to do it.
I don’t know why I’m even pointing this one out. If you are guilty of this, you certainly aren’t going to heed this warning. You think you know everything, you’re stubborn, you should be smacked in the back of the head. It's NOT SAFER! The safer thing to do is wait till you are not driving. People driving 70 mph down the highway aren’t expecting to come up on someone doing 40 drifting into the other lane. This is how you end up pissing into a plastic bag for the rest of your life. Stop it! Thank you.

5. Turning off your blinkers.
This kind of seems obvious. If you’re not turning or switching lanes, might be a good idea to turn off your blinkers. I realize we live in a highly automated world and that the blinkers usually turn themselves off. However paying attention isn’t a bad thing either. You never know paying attention might actually make your life better. But mostly it makes living in society better for everyone involved, so pay attention. Thank you.

6. Snow removal.
Here’s another LAW that most of you break. When it snows, remove the snow from your roof, period. No exceptions. If you are 5 feet tall and you drive an SUV, buy yourself a fricking ladder or tell your lazy ass husband to do it for you, unless you are a 5 foot tall man, in which case buy a fricking ladder you cheap lazy son of a bitch! And if that still doesn’t work, buy a car you can actually maintain. With ownership comes responsibility. If the snow comes off the back, the person behind you could get into an accident because you are a lazy self absorbed asshat with no concern for your fellow man. If you slam on your breaks because some wacker in front of you hits their break because they got scared of a little ice, the snow on your roof will come down and cover your windshield. You won’t be able to see . . .  you can see where this is going, oh no wait you can't  because you can’t see where you are going. It’s all bad.  All you have accomplished is putting a bunch of drivers in real danger all because it’s cold outside and you didn’t want to take the extra 5 minutes to remove snow that wind or inertia will do for you. For the love of Pete (whoever the hell Pete is) remove the snow or stay at home till the thaw. Thank you.

6b. Rain drops keep falling on my head, but that doesn’t mean I want to end up fucking dead.
Kind of lyrical, no? If it starts raining while you drive, slamming on your breaks isn’t going to help your cause. It’s just rain, I assure you your car is equipped with the necessary features to get you through. Cars come with all weather tires, rain is weather, they’ll do just fine. Your car also comes with these great thin little rubbery things, they are called windshield wipers, they remove rain from your windshield so you can see.These ground breaking devices also come with multiple speed options in case the rain comes down really fast. Hint, the faster the rain, the faster you set the windshield wiper speed. Jumping on your breaks for no reason will result in the very thing you are trying to avoid, walking with a limp. Best way to cause an accident, do something sudden and for no apparent reason. Don’t be a buttwipe. Don’t panic just drive normally, and if you must slow down do it gradually. Thank you.

7. People passing you on the road has absolutely NOTHING to do with you.
News flash it’s not all about you. If someone wants to pass you, let them go, they have a reason and it’s none of your fucking business. It’s not a personal assault against you. Maybe just maybe, it’s a really valid reason. But no, YOU DO NOT GET TO DECIDE if you deem it valid. Just imagine it’s you driving your loved one to the hospital and they are dying, would you want some self righteous son of a bitch blocking you because they don’t think you should be speeding? Just let them go. Oh and after they pass and disappear down the road, they are gone from your life FOREVER. You will never see them again, ever! Is this worth getting your panties in a twist over? If so, seek help, you need it. So Rule Number 7 which applies to many aspects of life; Let them go. Thank you.

8. Idiots with testicles hanging from their trucks.
Ummmmmm, this is just bizarre. Maybe I don’t get it, but I assume the morons who have them are the ones that don’t get it. If you are trying to tell the world that your truck has real balls, hanging prosthetic ones is kind of proving that it doesn’t, right?  Much like with everything else in the world, walk the walk, don’t talk the talk. Balls, nuts, sacks, bags, junk, package whatever you call it, doesn’t belong hanging from your truck, keep it in your pants. Thank you.

9. Right on Red.
Seems simple enough. The directions are built right into the name. I have no idea why some people don’t make this part of their driving repertoire. I chalk it up to either incompetence or being a self centered douche. I do however give a pass to the elderly on this one. But you’d better have gray hair and a bottle of Geritol in your cabinet or you get no pass. So please, pay attention, keep the flow of traffic moving, go right when the light is red (where legal). Thank you.

10. Work trucks with a payload that contains rocks, dirt or any lose debris and don’t secure their load.
There should be a corner in Hell for you guys, one where all you do all day is get hit in the face with pebbles at 52 miles per hour. Windshields are not cheap and no one likes replacing them, it’s a pain in the ass. I realize you don’t give a bucket of monkey puss what happens to your fellow man. I realize you are all also self centered dick rotting sons of bitches who think it’s not your problem. You suck. Really, you suck. I mean it. You Suck. I would ask kindly that you do your job but I have better odds hoping that dog shit is worth it’s weight in gold. So no thank you for you guys. You all just SUCK!

Paste Eaters, We come in Peace

At some point everyone gets into a discussion about alien life, alien to Earth, not your country, that’s a horse of a different color.  I know some people don’t believe, but that’s because they haven’t done the math.  I’m not saying E.T. has ever come to our little corner of the universe, let alone Earth, I’m just saying statistically speaking there has to be some sort of life all over the place.  It just adds up.

But usually the conversation is about ‘intelligent’ life, (insert obvious dumb human joke here).  People who believe in such things, and of course, movie makers always assume not only is there intelligent life but that we are well below the bell curve when it comes to brain pans.  Have you ever noticed, as far as the universe is concerned, we are the slow kids in the back of the class eating paste.  Paste Eaters! The lot of us!  We are never portrayed as equal or heaven forbid, the superior race.  Hell, even in one of the StarTrek movies, whales got higher billing then humans.  I like whales and all, but come on, kill the humans if there be no whales captain. It’s insulting.

Here’s a thought, what if . . . what if, WE ARE THE MOST INTELLIGENT creatures in the universe?  Scary huh?  The most intelligent beings ever and our best solution to nasal discharge, rectal cleansing, disposing of life bearing fluids, spilled milk picker upper, chewing gum receptacle, windshield cleaner and new shoe filler is wadded up paper.  Wadded paper, so many uses, so little respect. 

But we could be top of the class, A#1, intellictus superious ; maybe just maybe, there is life out there waiting for us to come to them. 

Hey Earth people! Come over and visit us, you guys have rockets, all we have is square wheels, and damn it they just make life so much harder. 

What kind of idiots continue to use square wheels? WE RULE!

But you know it wouldn’t work, we’d screw it up and before you can say “Bob’s your uncle” we’d be enslaved to an alien race, forced to make wadded up paper for their every desire.  Hey, what did you expect from a race of people who let their children eat paste?

This is why we are never portrayed as the superior race and always as the pestilence who need to be eradicated from existence. We eat paste.

Carsickness, it's not just for people

I guess my car is getting old. Bummer.  I’ve been in the sweet spot for a while now, no car payment, no problems, no complaints.  But for the first time since I’ve bought it, something happened that upset me: CHECK ENGINE.  You know the light, you know the feeling, it’s a bummer.  And quite honestly it shouldn’t say ‘CHECK ENGINE’ it should say ‘GO BUY SOME KY’ you’re gonna need it.   Nothing good comes from that light, the best you can hope for is something not so bad, but no matter what it’s going to cost you, and you know it. 

Another problem I have with the check engine light is that it tells you absolutely nothing. Something might be wrong , and it’s going to cost you but other than that, you’re left in the dark, well except the light that says ’CHECK ENGINE’.  Who knows maybe when you take the car into the shop they just turn the light off, charge you $535 and tell you it’s fixed.  I have this same thought about car washes.  When you upgrade the car wash and get Package #2, you don’t actually see any difference other than a light blinks towards the end of the wash that says Package #2.  Are we just paying an extra 7.50 to watch the light, light up?  Could be the same scam in reverse. Could be.       

There’s very little you can do but drop the car off and say a prayer to the car gods; well that and mosey into the showroom and check out the new models.  Everyone’s been here before, the car’s getting a little long in the tooth, (long in the grill?) and you wonder if this is the beginning of a slippery slope of never ending repairs or just a bump in the road.   It can’t hurt to find out what’s out there, and what your car is worth or can it.  Turns out the new models are pretty damn nice & my car isn’t worth very much, big shock huh?  So do you holdem’ or foldem’?  Where’s Kenny Rodgers when you need him? 

Arguments for both, new car = reliable, no surprise costs, and of course New Ride.  You were expecting New Car Smell, but you’re not getting it, I’m not really a fan of that hodgepodge collection of 100 different chemicals interacting together to bring you what should be called Toxic#9.  But I do get the association of that smell with newness and we tend to love newness, except with tumors, no one ever said oh boy! New Tumor!  Argument for old = paid for.  Don’t ever underestimate Paid For, those are 2 beautiful words, I love them, much more then new car smell and tumors. 

Here’s the thing, my car (up until now) has been very, very, very reliable, (in case you weren’t counting that’s 3 verys, high marks, even from the East German Judges)  hat’s off to Volvo for allowing me run up over 200,000 miles on a car in under 7 years with basically just maintenance.  I can’t complain, but I’m an American, what can I say? I want more.  The car still looks great, still rides, still runs great and I’m only on my second set of breaks.  I know right? Crazy!  But if things start going, they’re going to start costing – a lot.  I could be just worried about nothing, but then again the new models look pretty good.

A CHECK ENGINE light can really make you think.  People have Check Engine lights, we just call them symptoms but they are just as informative as the cars.  Go online with your symptom and see what you got . . .   hmmmmmmm   … could be a bug that will be gone in a day, could be The Black Death!  Ever notice ever since the Internet people don’t just ‘get sick’ now they have some syndrome, disease , condition that could have killed them, but didn’t.  Everyone goes for the most exotic illness they can find that fits their symptoms, no I haven’t been to Bora Bora, but I’m telling you doc,  someone on the internet say’s I have 3 months to live if you don’t give me the drugs now!  I trust them, they wrote it down on the site, why wouldn’t it be true?  What kind of doctor are you anyway?  I saw it House MD also, yea Chase thought it was Wilson’s Disease, and Cameron thought it was an Autoimmune but the sick guy just happen to have sex with someone who WAS in Bora Bora and …  No I didn’t have sex with someone who was in Bora Bora but you see how it could happen. . . .

It’s really weird, when people’s check engine lights comes on, they automatically think the worst, like they want to face death or something, either that or there are WAY too many drug commercials.

Do you have trouble sleeping? Do you sleep too much?  Do you gain weight when you eat?  Do your feet get sore?  After a run do you feel tired? Do you have trouble breathing? Do you sweat? DO you have trouble sweating? Did your parents used to call you lazy?  You could be suffering from Uzagotdat.  Take Lathohydralious, side effects include: nausea, vomiting, lack of sex drive, blurriness, hyper tension, dry mouth, thoughts of suicide, rectal bleeding, and delusions of grandeur. 

The media & the internet is turning this nation’s people into a bunch of hypochondriacs.

But what if it’s not just people?

What if our cars suffered from hypochondria?  What if they installed sensors all over the car to make sure everything was running at peak performance?  What if they connected all those sensors to a central nervous system, umm er, CPU? And what if anytime a sensor had a reading that was just slightly off Peak Performance it sent a message to the CPU and then to a light that signaled the driver?  What if that light read, ‘CHECK ENGINE’?  UT OH

 I hope my car doesn’t get rectal bleeding.

LinkedIn To Homohobilis

Someone recently told me that LinkedIn was the new eHarmony and not because they both got hacked by a password seeking basement dweller, but because well, we are human. 


We can’t help it, we are visual people, and we make a lot of judgments based on what we see, blame evolution or lack thereof.  It came in handy when Homo habilis was choosing between bachelorette # 2 and bachelorette # 3, instinctively knowing, birthing hips – grunt good, spends too much time at Caves Fifth Avenue – grunt bad.  Habi needed strong healthy offspring not overpriced shoes with red bottoms, which quite frankly could be accomplished by walking on a dead saber tooth tiger, so take that Louboutin. Grunt Grunt.


The reality is, we see, we judge, we decide.  Pretty girl me like grunt grunt. But a lot goes into ‘me like’. We instinctively look for visual clues to decide if that person fits our needs and wants.  Piercings, tattoos, hair length, eyes, clothes, they all give us visual clues that we use immediately after seeing someone to size them up.  Should I take her back to my cave or grab my club and beat him to death?  


Politically incorrect or not, it’s part of being human, so unless you have a time machine to go back and change Habi’s psyche your stuck with it.  But pretending it doesn’t exist is not the solution, don’t be a hypocrite, embrace it and then learn to work with it.  


I started off with LinkedIn & eHarmony didn’t I?  I should get back to that.  Well I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, that picking someone for any purpose whether it’s for mating, cobbling shoes or time travel we try to make the right choice based on credentials but we almost always throw in a likeability factor, after all, we do have to deal with them on a personal level. How’s that for justification?  Justice may claim to be blind but then why does beauty always win and ugly dies?  It’s true, kill 1 squirrel who is destroying your house and you could get fined, kill 10,000 termites and no one cares. It pays to be cute in this world, don’t ever forget it.


Studies have been done; good looking people are more successful.  (Note to self, call plastic surgeon)  So should it be a surprise that employers use LinkedIn to not only check out people’s credentials but check out the person too?  Hey hiring someone isn’t all that different then a relationship, in fact I can argue it’s more like marriage, only you’ll probably spend more time with your co-worker then your spouse, God Bless the Almighty Dollar! Our priorities really are screwed up.
 
The employer goes on line searches employee, first thing they look for is, did they post a picture.  Now let’s see, lonely guy goes on line, searches single women in area, first thing he looks for is, did they post a picture.  Hmmmm. What do they look like, where was the picture taken, why are they taking a picture of themselves in the mirror? Can I see through … nope just a shadow.  Notice we still don’t know if they like to take long walks on the beach or if they are detail oriented.


Of course we will get to that, that’s the important stuff right? Maybe, or maybe it’s just the prerequisite.  Ever go on an interview at a restaurant? Ever go on a first date to a restaurant?  There are a lot of cross over questions.  Tell me about yourself?  Where are you from? So where do you work, what do you do there? Have you always been in this area?  Is that saber tooth tiger blood I smell?  The similarities are endless.


We try to evolve and we try not to be shallow and judgmental, we try to be open to everything and everyone, we try not to club strangers with extra appendages.  But no matter how much we say it doesn’t matter we still want Jim Lange to show us what the bachelorettes look like before we decide, just like Habi.