Melon Baller

Melon Baller.

Yup, melon baller.
Weird words, weird device, weird thing to do to food.
I mean, really, why do we need fruit balled to begin with? Or is melon a vegetable?

I just checked or at least I tried to check; I just found a very interesting definition of fruits and vegetables. Botanically speaking, fruits are the mature ovaries of a flower, while vegetable is a term used by grocers and are parts of the plant (presumably not the ovary). Are you confused yet? I think or at least I thought the difference was a legislative issue, government, taxes, imports, that sort of thing; not an ovary thing. But then again I had no idea flowers had ovaries, so maybe my two cents should be spent elsewhere. Honestly this whole thing is freaking me out.

Okay melon is a fruit because the seeds are inside the ovary. Are you with me? Did I mention I really hate the idea of eating ovaries? I curse this day and the words of which I laid my eyes upon. Well I would curse this day if I knew how to throw a curse on the day, but I don’t even know how to do a proper maloke malocchio, or spell it for that matter. (spell - get it? stay with me here, this is good stuff) Maybe I should just hex the sexually frustrated delusional white-coat wearing reproductively obsessed vegetablestick botanist that came up with ‘flower ovaries’. But I’ll give him a pass; he probably doesn’t get out all that much. And by out, I mean laid. Which probably should be in, but I digress.

Do you see where this is going?
Melon is an ovary and you can walk into any Williams-Sonoma and purchase a devise to ball it. Am I the only one who thinks this is kinky as well as borderline illegal? I mean what sort of nut job balls fruit? Don’t answer that!
Let’s move on.

Forget about ovaries, even though I can’t seem to; and forget about that twisted botanist who really needs to spend more time in the Red Light District of Amsterdam. And lets think about the need to take fruit and change it’s shape.

First question: Why?
Second question: Why?

I’m sure Martha Stewart is behind this in some way.
Yea, yea I know, you’re thinking, ‘people have been balling fruit long before Martha thought it was a good thing’. But I still think that meddlesome chippy is behind all this, she must be. Seriously, fruit in an orb like shape is not easy to eat. It can roll. Rolling fruit is not easy; non-rolling fruit - much easier. Yes I realize melons are already round, but that just makes it more ridiculous. Why turn a big sphere into a littler one? More balls to chase; it just doesn’t add up. Does anyone know how to get in touch with Martha? I have a bone to pick with her.
Balling melons – the nerve!

It’s a plot I tell you, it must be. Cooked up by Martha Stewart and some Madison Avenue, suit wearing, partially hydrogenated, marketing numb-nut, to get us to spend our non-fruit balling money on fruit balling devices. It’s sick! Could you imagine if they went to some tribal community in South America’s Amazon basin, like the Yanomama and tried to sell them a melon baller?

Yanomami Shamen: Nice to meet you Martha, but we don’t need to ball our flower ovaries before we eat them.

Martha: When you are entertaining, it would provide the perfect ambiance a fun and stylish …. Ummm excuse me, do you need a tissue?

Yanomami Shamen: No.

Martha: You sure? Here have a tissue, you have a little …

Yanomami Shamen: I don’t mean to be rude Ms. Stewart, but I don’t need a tissue and what sort of crack pot balls melons?

Martha: But there’s some green stuff hanging, right under your nose.

Yanomami Shamen: Good day Ms. Stewart.

See, it just wouldn’t work.
Of course you’d need a translator, but that’s exactly how it would go.
The Yanomama don’t ball fruit and neither should we.
Mellon Baller Indeed.