I lost a friend. And not in a misplaced, where the hell did I leave them sort of way, and not in the pushing up daisy sort of way, but more of the, I can’t be your friend sort of way. Weird isn’t it? I agree.
That’s never happened to me before, and never in a Dear John sort of way, not that my name is John … maybe that’s why I’ve never gotten one? I wonder if all you poor bastards named John get sad letters on a regular basis? That would suck the proverbial toe jam. Today I’m happy to not be a John. Anyway, I’ve never received a letter before, ending a friendship, and as courteous as it sounds, it was more like a Burgess Meredith, Twilight Zone experience. But I guess stranger things have happened.
Oh, you want to know why, fair enough.
I
Enough about the origins, lets get to the meat of the story. I was dumped as a friend, as was every other male that may be friends with this chick, because we have… umm how do I put this without being too rude? …. Junk. Stuff, bits & pieces, hammer & nails, bait & tackle, rod & reel, frank & beans, cherries & stem, staff & subjects, pole & bag, meat & potatoes, in short (or long), genitalia.
That’s right, it would seem the very exclusive club that I am a member of (about half the population at last count) has been ousted, banished, removed, expelled, exiled (on & off main street), cast out, thrown out, stomped out, ejected, rejected, evicted, sacked, discarded, disposed of like a superfluous tail, deleted from the cell phone, names stripped from all literature, in short excommunicated. All for the reason that he, her beau, the Assholian Meatstick doesn’t want her talking to people of the opposite sex for fear that we all will have our way with her when he is looking the other way.
And it doesn’t matter if we, the banished ones, are single, attached, married, gay, friends, co-workers, church goers, waiters, or just happen to be crossing the street when she walks by. We are all secretly lusting for her and the very second that he bends over to tie his own shoe we will have already planted our seed and made her our vessel to sire our next of kin. That’s right the whole lot of us want nothing more then to rock her world at any given moment. To be honest I can’t help but wonder why he hasn’t already installed a chastity belt. Maybe too much chaffing, who’s to know?
At least that’s the way he sees us, (those that stand up in rest rooms). Truth be told, not every guy on Earth wants to sleep with her. She’s really cool and all, but every guy? Not even Angelina Jolie can boast such numbers, so without, in any way shape or form, insulting my now friend-once removed, ARE YOU KIDING ME?
By the way did I mention that he is pushing 50? I don’t think I added that tidbit. And although I’ve always believed years on this Earth does not automatically grant you maturity, growth or even a little bit of common sense, I have to scratch my head with this one. I understand the jealous thing, I understand insecurity, I can even be somewhat be on board with the idea that you love someone so much you can’t help but think everyone else would be crazy not to want them, but this brings sick to a whole new level.
Have I also mentioned that although she is a friend, it’s someone I see maybe once or twice a year, and talk to maybe once every other blue moon? We don’t live anywhere near each other for the drop by, and our lives travel in completely different directions, but she was someone that was worth talking to when we had the time. And even I got the ‘Letter’, could you imagine all the guys she sees on a daily basis? Thank God for broadband, that’s a lot of email.
So to sum this up, he laid down the law, there is to be no more contact with any guys on the Earth, and as crazy and impossible as that sounds, and is, she agreed. And although she knows this isn’t rational behavior she made the choice for love. I have another theory, which can be summed up in one word. Loneliness. But I could be wrong, I have been before, and who am I to pass judgment?
I wish people didn’t feel there was nothing else out there just because we can’t see beyond the horizon. I wish people could break their bad habits and routines long enough to realize they are prisoners of their own devices. I wish my friend all the happiness in the world, even though I know she isn’t going to find it where she is now.
I wish I had better answers.
Oh well, sing it Doris Day …. Que Sera Sera, what ever will be will be, the future’s not ours to see Que Sera Sera.
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** UPDATE
As fate would have it, last night I got an email from my friend once once-removed, meaning no longer removed, saying that things didn't work out and they broke up again. She felt like a shmuck for writing and sendind the 'Letter'. I of course made fun of her and said I was sorry things didn't work out and I knew I'd hear from her again, but even I thought it was going to be longer then a week.
She's going to be alright, even if she doesn't know it yet. Relationships are hard, but impossible ones are ...well... impossible
